Question: I had a fall out with a close family friend who said some very hurtful and offensive things. I am so insulted that I never want to see him or talk to him again. This has created an uncomfortable tension between our two families. My wife feels I should meet with him and resolve this rift but I really don't want to. I feel that if I reach out to him he will never understand how wrong he was. Can you advise?

Answer: Have you ever seen two very young children fight. They scream, insult and call each other names. One of them will proclaim that he hates the other and his friend will threaten him physically. A few minutes after the brawl is over a strange thing happens - they are playing together like long lost friends, the whole incident forgotten.

Why does this happen? Because the child prefers to be happy than to be right. If he remains angry, it will be a statement of who is wrong and who is right, but he will lose a friend and a playmate. If he lets go and makes up, he forgoes the chance to proclaim justice, but regains the friendship and his happiness. To an innocent child, having a friend to play with is top priority - so he chooses the latter. With adults it doesn't always work that way. It seems that children prefer happiness while adults favor justice.

We are taught that in creation G-d designed two powerful forces - Chesed (kindness) and Emes (truth). Chesed represents peace, compassion and the power to forgive. Emes stands for justice, reward and punishment. Both concepts are fundamental values that play a critical role in creating a functional world, but they don't always mix. There are times where justice must prevail even at the expense of peace. In pursuit of morality and appropriate standards of conduct we need to sometimes be unpopular and fight for what is right. But in our everyday relationships with those around us Chesed , peace and compassion, is the more important value, even if sometimes it appears that we have to compromise on what is just and true.

Making up with your friend is not a weakness. In this case giving up justice in pursuit of peace is a tremendous strength. You may have to relinquish the pleasure of showing everyone who is right, but you regain peace, happiness and a meaningful relationship.

Discover the child within you and choose to be happy rather than to be right.

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