Question - A few weeks ago you wrote an article on anger. You described its destructiveness, and quoted the saying that G-d loves those who don't get angry. You explained that when provoked we have a split second before we lose control to make a choice whether to stay calm or to explode. While this seems like a good theory, are there any strategies that could help us make the right choice?

I once heard a story of a woman who complained in therapy that her husband never tells her that he loves her. When the therapist questioned the man, he responded: "Twenty years ago when we got married, I told you that I love you. If anything changes I will let you know."

Of course this man has made a serious error. Love (and all other emotions) will grow and develop the more it is communicated, and will wane if not talked about. Words carry an emotion a lot further than before it was spoken about. The more we talk about a feeling the stronger and more passionate we become. In a relationship this is critical. Love must be verbalized and strongly communicated for it to grow and develop.

The reverse is also true. Silence and the absence of words will cause an emotion to weaken and dissipate. While this is a problem with important and necessary emotions, it is a powerful tool for negative emotions like anger. Allowing anger to be expressed in words causes it to flare up and invites uncontrollable rage. There are many strategies for anger management, but if there is one strategy to learn about managing our anger it is the following:

The next time we are provoked, let us make one small but strong commitment - to remain silent just for ten seconds (after which feel free to explode). There is a good chance that after the ten seconds we will have calmed down sufficiently to act more rationally and to proceed with greater logic.

Don't add fuel to the fire - let it calm down so that you can get it under control.

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