Question:

Recently I heard you lecture on the topic of dealing with difficult people. You discussed high maintenance relationships and developed strategies to deal with people who annoy us because they are overly critical, controlling, insulting or aggressive. But what I don't understand is why we should deal with these individuals altogether. Wouldn't it be easier just to disengage and walk away from these difficult situations?

Answer:

Although there are certainly times when toxic relationships do need to come to an end, in many cases walking way is not effective. I can think of three reasons for this.

a) With some relationships it might be simply impossible. You may be sharing an office with this difficult individual and cannot afford to lose your job. The high maintenance relationship might be with your child whom you cannot divorce. If you are younger you could be in conflict with a sibling with whom you share a bedroom. You have no choice but to find ways to make it work.

b) It could be morally incorrect. There might be a parent or a grandparent that is driving you crazy but you still have a moral and spiritual obligation to honor and respect them. Then there are times when breaking ties with a relative can create a rift in an entire family, causing distress and anguish to many others.

c) Maintaining contact and learning to make a relationship work makes you a stronger person, better equipped to deal with other situations beyond this one. Walking away is like soothing a symptom without treating the disease. Walking away is also placing the blame solely on the other person without any acknowledgement that we also might be lacking in our communication, conflict or anger management, tolerance or any other important relationship skill. Learning to work it through makes us a stronger person on many levels.

So whether impossible, immoral or just a not good idea, don't throw in the towel - acquire new skills and make it work.

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