Question:

I've found myself going out on many many dates and I'm wondering if I'm being too fussy. I'm waiting to meet someone and get a good feeling about him, and of course have things in common, good chats, and similar long term goals. I've been out with a few different guys and they're all lovely, but I haven't had that feeling that I'm expecting. I want to like someone and be interested in seeing him more and more. Is that unrealistic?

Answer:

Your lack of that feeling could come from two possible sources:

1. Him
2. You

You may feel nothing because the guy is just not for you. There are some really nice guys out there, but they are not all for you, and so if you meet someone, and they're nice and everything, but after talking and meeting and trying a few times it just goes nowhere, it could be that he just isn't the right one.

But not necessarily. It could happen that you meet a guy who really is for you, but feelings still don't come. You may feel nothing because your heart has withdrawn and become skeptical and over-cautious. Years of dating, previous failed relationships, losing hope, getting older - all these things conspire to block feelings that would otherwise come easily.

I don't know what applies to you and what doesn't. But there is only one way to find out. You have to take risks. I don't mean irresponsible risks, like throwing yourself blindly into a relationship. I mean that if you meet a guy who has all the right ingredients, whose values and character fit the bill, who is truly a good guy, a nice person, a mensch, and is serious about finding a relationship, then for such a guy you should take the risk.

The risk means sharing your heart a little and risking being hurt, opening up a bit and perhaps wasting your time, giving of yourself and investing in a relationship that may or may not work. But maybe, just maybe, your heart will open and you will feel what you need to feel to know that this is the one.

If you try that, if you have honestly put yourself on a limb and risked it, and still nothing happens, then you can be pretty sure the problem is him - he may be a wonderful person, but he's not for you. But if you don't try risking it, if you keep your heart protected, then you will never get hurt, but you will also never know - maybe he's the one, maybe it's just you? And if it is, then it won't matter who the him is, because the you will always be you.

I wish you well, and don't forget to keep praying - that G-d should bring you the right one, and He should open your heart to recognize him.

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