No one likes to be criticized. . When we receive criticism we tend to become defensive and sometimes respond with anger and aggression. But criticism has its place. People have a responsibility to tell their children, employees, students and even spouses where they have failed so they can make amends. How do we give constructive criticism that will be effective and well received?

A great Chasidic Rebbe explained the secret of constructive and positive criticism by way of the following analogy. In the "shtetlach" (small towns) of old, people would bathe in public bathhouses. These bathhouses also contained a sauna that the customers would use for health or relaxation. To make the sauna experience more pleasurable there was an interesting practice. The person would climb a few stairs, stopping at each one to become accustomed to the additional heat. When he finally got to the top and was perspiring from the immense heat, an attendant would hit him on the back with a kind of a broom. Apparently this had a massage type of effect, and was extremely enjoyable often resulting in the customer asking for more.

Imagine, asked the Rebbe if the attendant met his client in the street and suddenly hit him on the back. No doubt the client would be extremely annoyed and become angry and the attendant would risk receiving a smack in return. So what's the difference?

The difference explained the Rebbe is that in the sauna two things took place first, before he received the bang on the back. Firstly he climbed the stairs and was lifted to a higher space than he was before. Secondly the sauna warmed him up. Only on the top step where it was very hot was the experience a pleasurable one.

Criticism can be a painful blow to the one on the receiving end. However, if it absolutely necessary to criticize make sure that two things happen first. Firstly 'lift the person up' - build his/her self esteem and genuinely demonstrate care and concern. Show them that you value their existence and you really believe that they are special and a very important part of your life. Secondly 'warm them up' - show them warmth and abundant love.

If you really love and care for you child, spouse or friend then criticism given in a constructive and respectful way will not be rejected. It will even be welcome.

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