Barrenness seems to be the curse of the Matriarchs. Like Sarah before her, Rivka struggled to fall pregnant. Finally after years of heartfelt prayers she conceived. Unbeknownst to her, Rivka was carrying twins. But the pregnancy didn't go exactly as planned; and the children agitated inside her and she said 'if so why am I thus' and she went to inquire of Hashem.

Having been childless for so long it is unlikely that Rivka was complaining about the standard discomfort of pregnancy. Whatever was troubling her must have been serious enough for her to regret her long awaited pregnancy.

Our sages describe Rivka's unusual experience and the source of her anguish. Whenever she would pass by a tent of Torah study, Yaakov would kick as though he were trying to get out. When she would pass a place of idolatry Eisav would do the same. The prophets of the time explained to her that she was carrying twins. These two children were radically different in their natures and make-up. They would eventually grow up to be two polarized nations. Oddly enough, despite being told that one of her children had a predisposition to evil, Rivka was put at ease.

Unaware that she was expecting twins, Rivka initially believed that the child inside of her suffered from spiritual schizophrenia. The same child that had a yearning to serve G-d also possessed a desire for the depravity of Idolatry. To her this scenario was worse than knowing that one of her two babies was drawn towards negativity.

We find a similar incident in the book of Kings. The Jewish people were steeped in idolatry, worshipping the Canaanite deity Baal. Eliyahu the prophet rebukes the people; If Hashem is G-d, go after Him! If it is the Baal go after it! Eliyahu does not castigate them for serving the Baal. Rather he rebukes their dancing between the two opinions. This situation of spiritual indecisiveness was a greater problem than the idolatry alone. The spiritual schizophrenic lacks the capacity for realizing truth and lacks the moral strength to act with conviction. This makes it very difficult to experience true and productive spiritual growth.

In the classic Chassidic text, the Tanya, Rabbi Shneur Zalman uses Rivka's predicament as the paradigm for our internal battle for spiritual accomplishment. G-d created each of us with two souls; an animalistic soul and a Divine soul. The animalistic soul is the source of our desires for physical gratification, materialism and selfishness. It is also the source of our negative impulses and behaviours. The G-dly soul has lofty spiritual ambitions to its source through Torah observance. Its desires are not self-serving but rather one of giving - to both G-d and our fellow man. The problem is that the two souls are in open conflict. These souls share our body each desiring to assert its rule over our life and to direct our behavior in realization of their own agenda. Like kings warring over a city, seeking to dominate the inhabitants, each soul wants exclusive control over our thoughts, speech and actions.

Without being aware of our two-sided make-up, the inner struggle is a source of spiritual anguish. We desire holiness, aspire to be selfless and strive to do what is right. But often we lapse and act selfishly or unG-dly, doing things that seem incompatible with out lofty aspirations. We make earnest resolutions for self-improvement but fail to follow through. Without a proper understanding of our inner spiritual psychology these lapses can leave us feeling hypocritical. We may also feel guilt over our failure to attain perfection and regret at feeling wasted for all of the effort we have put into our spiritual growth. Ultimately we may dismiss our G-dly aspirations as being beyond our reach entirely and give up the cause.

By understanding that there are in fact two very different souls inside of us, we like Rivka should be put at ease. When we have a G-dly emotion or desire to do what is right, these emotions are genuine and true, coming from our G-dly personality. The fact that we also have impulses for negativity does not detract from the purity of our intentions. It just comes from a different and independent element of our inner being. This is how G-d created us; the dichotomy is deliberate. We weren't created as angels who don't have to struggle to experience holiness. Our struggle is not an obstacle to spiritual life, the struggle is our spiritual life.

With the guilt removed and the realization that the negative impulses that we experience are normal and to some degree beyond our control, we can get on with what is in our control; To ensure that we don't act on the negative impulses when they arise and to ensure that our G-dly soul becomes the driving force in our lives. Ultimately as Rivka was promised the older child (Eisav) would serve the younger (Yaakov). But until then, it is the struggle and the effort that we put in, where true spiritual accomplishment lies.

 

~ Rabbi Yoni Johnson

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