Chayei Sarah
What to look for when seeking a partner

What should we look for when trying to find our soul mate? Beauty? Wealth? A fun and out-going nature? What about the traditional Jewish value of Yichus (family lineage)? Each of these characteristics may have some importance in our mental checklist. But what is the hallmark trait of the perfect spouse? This was the question facing Eliezer, the trusted servant of Avraham. He had been sent across the known world on a quest, to find a life-partner for his master's son, Yitzchak.

Avraham had made Eliezer swear that he would not choose a Canaanite wife for Yitzchak. Instead Eliezer was forced to travel across the Euphrates River, back to Avraham's birthplace. There, from Avraham's own family, Eliezer was to find the appropriate Shidduch for his son, who would also be the mother of the Jewish people.

Why was Avraham so averse to the local Canaanite girls? Perhaps as the champion of monotheism, the idolatrous beliefs of the Canaanites ruled them out of contention? This cannot be the reason because Rivka (the woman Yitzchak ends up marrying) herself came from a family of idolaters. So what was so intolerable about the Canaanite nation that warranted such a distant journey?

Only recently, Avraham's own life partner Sarah, had passed away. The beginning of the Parsha describes Avraham's negotiations with Efron the Chitite (one of the 7 Canaanite nations), to buy the Cave of Machpela in which to bury his wife Sarah. From the negotiations with Avraham, we see that Efron was not a generous person. Outwardly he professed to be generous offering to give Avraham the cave at no charge. Behind this façade he was tight-fisted and overly exacting, looking to ensure that he gets every penny for his field.

After seeing their inability to give freely, Avraham chose to distance himself, and his family from the Canaanites.

The classic commentary of the Kli Yakar asserts, that there is no greater testimony to the nature of an individual than money. By a man's ‘pocket' one can recognise their true character. This statement refers equally to how an individual obtains their wealth and also how they act with it. Charity, kindness and giving are fundamental in Jewish belief and vital for a successful relationship.

When searching for a wife for Yitzchak, it is above all the trait of generosity that Eliezer is searching for. Travelling to a place where there were so many girls, Eliezer prays for a sign so as to identify Yitzchak's intended: If, standing by the well, he will ask a girl for water and she responds by also offering to water his camels, she is the one designated for Yitzchak - the Bashert.

The willingness of a girl to give even more than she was asked for would suffice as proof for Eliezer, that this girl was worthy of marrying Avraham's only son and heir to his spiritual and physical wealth.

The root of the Hebrew word Ahavah is hav which means to give. A loving and lasting relationship has giving at its foundation. Being in a relationship requires us to go beyond ourselves, to share with, and care for someone else. So many marital problems come from the selfish perspective of what am I getting from this relationship and how does my partner fulfill my needs. For eternal love, the focus must be what can I give to the relationship and how can I give joy, support and pleasure to my spouse.

The lesson of this story is not just for those who are searching for their soul mate, but also for those who have already found theirs. Avraham knew it, Eliezer knew it, and the contemporary proverb knows it too: There is no I in us.

 

~ Rabbi Yoni Johnson

Back Back