I'm Ashamed of My Husband ­ Article ­ BINA

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I'm Ashamed of My Husband

by Rabbi Aron Moss

Question:
I have been married nearly a year now. My husband is a wonderful guy and I feel extremely blessed. However I have just one issue that does not seem to be going away. When we were dating we were both newly religious, he slightly ahead of me in observance. We both respected and understood each other. But the one thing I haven't got over is that he wears his kippah all the time. It is confronting for me because it's such a rarity in our social circles and I am still not used to it. It makes me feel odd and (I find this hard to admit) at times, ashamed. As much as I wish I would simply 'get over it' and not let it bother me, it does. Can you help me change my attitude?
 
Answer:
You need to examine why the kippah bothers you so much. There are several possible answers to that. Here's my guess:

Your husband's kippah doesn't bother you at all.
 
It bothers other people, not you.
 
And you have internalised other people's opinions. So you feel ashamed.
 
Maybe someone in your family has made comments about it. Or maybe you have seen strangers giving him odd looks. Or maybe you think your friends are thinking what you are thinking that they are thinking. And maybe you are right.
 
But it's not your problem. It's theirs. So let it be theirs, not yours.
 
We do this often. We take on other people's issues as our own, and we feel like we need to justify things that others don't approve of. But we don't. 
 
The problem is not yours. But the husband is yours. And just as you respect him for so many other things, you can respect him for this too, as soon as you quieten the outside voices in your head making you self-conscious.
 
And there is a lot to respect in your husband. He does what he believes is right even though it is not the norm. He isn't just following the crowd. He is himself in all situations, unlike those who dress one way for one situation and then adjust their image for another.
 
The rarity of your husband is not that he wears a kippah, but that he is who he is, and he is real. There aren't so many guys like that around. Be proud of him, and be proud of yourself. You chose well.

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